Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Deadbeat Club

So I suck at having a blog...why did I do this again? I guess because it's nice in days like today to have a place to explain current important life events and decisions in one fell swoop, instead of having to explain myself over and over again to every individual person that asks (which usually ends up making me start questioning my choices when its far too late to change things).
In the past three months since graduating from school, I have been amazed at how much my sense of self and purpose has changed, just by not being focused on school and productivity 24/7.  At school I felt this humungous dose of pressure (which I now realize was about 99% all from myself) to be continually cranking out A's, research projects, good GRE scores, and of course, respectable graduate school plans.
Now, after a couple months of working and slowly teaching myself to enjoy a less-stressful life, I began to wonder...what's my hurry? At just barely 21 years old, I am a year and a half ahead of your typical college right out high school, four year plan.  In my rush to save money, and finish everything I started as fast as possible (I have a bad habit of seeing EVERYTHING as a competition) I missed out on a lot of time to explore and relax and have fun.
Also, in my attempt to apply to graduate schools while also finishing up my last fully-loaded semester, I was not as contemplative as I should have been in the schools I applied to.  Once acceptance letters started coming in and I began thinking about actually moving to certain locations like LA (or Pullman, eek!), or getting another degree that wouldn't really make me any more career suitable, I realized I wasn't excited about any of my potential graduate school options.  Instead, I found myself loving my current nanny position and wishing that I had applied to school counselor/psychologist programs instead.  The icing on the cake came when one of my very best and oldest friends (and current roomate) Nicole, suggested the idea of living in Seattle together at the end of the summer once our current apartment lease runs out.  For many of my friends, both from college and high school, Seattle has long ago lost it's romanticized, big city specialness. However, for me, living in the emerald city is almost equivilant on an exciting scale to me as moving to New York City (I'm serious! I'm from Idaho! We think Boise is cool!). Armed with dreams of a scrappy apartment that's suitable for a kitten (though Nicole is campaigning hard for a puppy), stopping at Pike's place for fresh veggies and flowers on the weekends, and of course, buying my first umbrella (!), I went back to my Gonzaga professors to get some final sagacious wisdom.  To be honest, one of the biggest things holding me back from declining all my graduate school offers was disapointing my personal idols and superstars-- my letter of recommendation writers.  After being so lovely in not only writing convincing letters, but also taking time to counsel me personally almost every day in the past year, I felt like I would be throwing all their hard work and investment in me right back into their faces if I ended up not doing anything.  Of course all three of them lived up to their title of being the most wonderful people in the whole world by enthusiastically telling me to follow my instincts and take some more time off being a student. With that final assurance that no bridges would be burned in not going back to the school this upcoming fall, I one by one, sent polite letters to my schools that I would not be attending any graduate schools for the upcoming year due to personal reasons (they can use their imaginations).
So that's that. No graduate school in the fall, and no going back! Part of me hates that now when people ask me what I'm doing merely working as a nanny and at a movie theater that I've been employed at since high school (which I won't even go into how depressing that thought is) with a bachelor's degree from Gonzaga, I can no longer give the excuse that I am just killing time till returning to school in the fall.  But this is good for me! I've spent the past four years pushing myself to gain the praise and love of my professors (...whatever, judge me) and it's about time that I learned how to be proud of myself without "grownups" patting me on the back daily.  Even better, I'm feeling that based on the past few months of graduated life, this next year is going to be amazing!  I'll continue to have time to read good books, learn how to cook great food, and take naps! I'm not gonna lie, it feels great to have more than 20 bucks in my bank account and the ability to pay down loans while also building up savings.  My ultimate goal before returning to school for school counseling in Fall 2011? A big trip! Preferable to Europe, or South America...but really wherever my finances will allow.  I have the rest of my life to be a grown up and develop a career, but when will I find the time again to live where I want, and do whatever makes me happy? It would have been great to figure this out before shelling out all those admissions fees, but eh, already forgotten.  So my strong desire to please others now wants to ask for understanding and forgiveness for being kind of a deadbeat right now, and to make the promise that don't worry--I'm going back to school-- just not right away.

p.s. How boring is a blogpost without pictures? So boring. So here is our next door neighbors new puppy, Hank. We love him! Cuuute!

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